i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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