Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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