My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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