yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
