His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
