Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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