I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize