i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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