It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
