I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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