This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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