Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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