I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
