That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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