i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
