dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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