He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
