Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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