Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
