Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
