totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
BRING THE BAGELS
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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