Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize