it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
