i need an iv and a liver transplant
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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