just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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