He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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