Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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