I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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