Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
