I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
