Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
