I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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