you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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