Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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