When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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