i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
