I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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