come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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