Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
