I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
