I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize