oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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