Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
