once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
