if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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