Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
