I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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