I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
