My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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