You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize