Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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