the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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