He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
