so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
