I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize