proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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