Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
