I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
