i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
