apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I have surprise drugs for everyone
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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