I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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