I love black thongs
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
