Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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