I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
