look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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