im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
