I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
