i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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