4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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