tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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