I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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