they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
