Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
