omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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